he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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