I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Damn victory sex feels great
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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