I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
