the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
