So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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