what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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