Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
