I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
