How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
