apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
