four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
