Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
how do you play pong handcuffed?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
