I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
