we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
