oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
