it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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