All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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