i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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