I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
