god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
