Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
