My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Enjoy the penises
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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