Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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