Just fell off a train. Bad.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm having to shit out rocks
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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