this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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