He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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