I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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