i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
