you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
