Your face is a jimmy john
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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