why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
