I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
