I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
