I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
