whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
