Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This is the prime rib incident all over again
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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