All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
When did angry sex become our thing?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
