dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
