Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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