planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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