i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
