My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
