Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Randomize
