I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
