she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
