I'm going to jail i love you
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
