I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I am one with the molecules
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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