Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My vagina is officially offended.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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