I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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