Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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