I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
