Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
