yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
