2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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